Lately I noticed that my weight had suddenly ballooned from my fighting weight of 180 pounds to a whopping, lard-assed 206 pounds. So I figured it was time to take bold, direct action before I turned into a completely hapless blob.
So I got me a basketball and went down to the local park with the idea of getting in a good work-out and sweating off a pound or ten. After about 5 minutes of warming up I was done. I was gasping for breath and muscles were aching all over my body. Its like every cigarette I had ever smoked over the last 15 years was saying: “Hey, dude, remember me?” I thought to myself: “How could this have happened?” I remembered the days when I used to run full-court for 4 or 5 hours every afternoon. And that was only back in 1992. Twenty years ago. Is 20 years really that long of a time? I guess theres a big difference between being 37 and being 57. “Sigh.” “I’m getting old,” I thought. (To which Hate Man used to always interject: “You ARE old.”) (Is it any wonder I hate that bastard??)
I admit I have a hard time accepting growing old. Every morning when I look in the mirror I always think: “Hey? What the hell happened to my hair?” Like some terrible mistake had taken place while I was sleeping. Perhaps I had mislaid my head of hair somewhere. And can’t something be done about this? We can send a man to the moon. Why can’t we do something about stopping the goddam procession of time??? (Let’s get some of our best scientists on the job right away). Making my transition into geezerhood even more painful is (like a lotta’ guys) I’m still attracted to young chicks. But even I am disgusted by the idea of someone like me having sex with a young chick. So I can imagine how other people feel.
(P.S. In a related aside, Hugh Hefner is one of the slimiest pieces of shit on the planet. America’s most beloved whore-monger, this peddler-of-human-flesh, this vampire feeding off of young flesh for 60 years. God what a pig that guy is. I’m reminded of a joke this comedian told when he heard ole Hef was getting married to this 20 year old chick. Gave the chick good advice for their honeymoon: “Don’t look at it.” And we all know what “it” was. Though knowing Hugh he’s probably had plastic surgery done on his dick, too. And no I’m not kidding.) (P.P.S. And no, I’m not just saying this because I’m jealous. The bastard)
So anyways I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this bulging gut of mine. Mature adult that I am I’ve devised many new and innovative techniques for tying my shoes without having to actually bend over. So that’s a start. Then I decided to check out a bunch of these diet books but it was all this shit about “eating less and exercising more.” Sheesh, give me a break. Why do you think man invented liposuction surgery.
The worst thing is, my life is so empty these days, the first thing I think when I wake up for morning is: “What can eat I eat for lunch?” That’s like the highlight of my day. Often its the ONLY light of my day. Speaking of which, its time to stop sitting here babbling on the internet and get up and get some exercise walking to my refrigerator. Nyuk nyuk.