I Find the Strangest Things Funny

Originally published December 12, 2002

 

Needless to say, I find the strangest things funny.

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I walk around all day on the city streets, scrounging for food and used books and whatever else I can find. So I’m always walking into the middle of weird scenes.  Usually, I catch the middle, or the end, or the aftermath of the scene. And then I try to piece together what was going on.

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So I’m walking down Telegraph Avenue tonight around 8 o’clock, and I pass this chick standing by her parked car. And she’s jawing with this black-haired white guy who, evidently, had been passing by and said something unpleasant to her, and it had escalated into this conflict.

“Fuck you!”

“Oh yeah?  Fuck you!” 

“Oh yeah??”

That bit.

So then the chick’s boyfriend (I assume) gets out of the car; this big, kind of jock-looking guy, and says to his woman:

“Get in the car, babe! I’ll take care of this!”

Real macho and manly. Let the man take charge in time of crisis.

So now the two guys are standing there on the sidewalk, jawing back and forth.

“Fuck you!”

“Oh yeah? Well fuck you!” 

“Oh yeah?!” 

That bit. It’s like two bulls fighting it out over a cow. It often seems to come down to that. Not that men need much of a reason to fight with each other.

So they’re standing about ten feet away from each other, frozen in this very macho posture, like two gunfighters facing off at the OK Coral. The crowd of people on the sidewalk are kind of frozen in the moment. A FIGHT!!!!

Now I have a phrase in my head during these moments: “If they’re talking, they’re usually not fighting.” And after a certain point of listening to them going back and forth, I start to get dizzy and almost feel like saying: “Listen.  Either hit the guy or shut the fuck up.” (Not that I recommend this particular strategem.)

So these two guys are standing there frozen in time, with their fists cocked at their sides like Popeye and Bluto, ready for action. Finally, the black-haired guy raises his hand and points his finger at the big jock’s face, and says, real menacingly:

“I’ll be seeing you around!!!”

And then he turns and starts to walk away.

Only the jock is still standing there with his fists cocked, and he shouts:

“You can see me right NOW! C’mon!  Lets go!”

So the black-haired guy turns back to face him, stands there with his fists cocked.  You can see him searching for the comeback. So he points his finger at the jock’s face, and says again, in a deep, guttural drawl (like Black Bart or Snidely Whiplash):

“I’ll be seeing you around!” Only this time it doesn’t sound quite as menacing.

The jock repeats: “You can see me right NOW! C’mon!” Fists cocked.

They stand there like that for about 20 seconds, giving each other the evil eye. Finally, the black-haired guy points his finger at the jock yet again. But evidently can’t think of what else to say. So he puts his finger back down.   Gives him one last tough, rugged look. And then turns, and slowly, but ruggedly, walks away. Walks down the street and disappears into the crowd.

The jock and his chick get into their car and drive off. And I continue walking down the street in search of food. The end.

I almost never go to movies or watch TV. I can’t find this kind of material anywhere except on the streets..

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