(Originally published March 14, 2005)
Why, my name is “Ace Backwords,” what the hell is yours?
Fame in itself is worthless, of course. The guy who reads the weather on the TV news is famous. Fame doesn’t mean anything. The only ones that count are the legends. And they probably don’t count for anything either.
The saddest cases are the poor slobs who waste their whole lives working and slaving to become famous, thinking it’ll make them happy or fill the emptiness in their souls. Of course they don’t figure it out until it’s too late. The same old story; fame won’t make you happy. And then they become famous for being such miserable fucks. So it all works out.
Fame won’t make you happy. But then, almost nothing else in this life will make you happy, either. So what the hell.
Probably the only thing fame is good for is weird, bloody kicks. And there’s a lot to be said for that, actually.
Then there’s the bit: “My name will live on in the annals of history!!!!”
Yeah, like Sir Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet. Here the poor guy invents this great invention for the uplift of all humanity, and all he’s remembered for is the butt (geddit?) of a thousand punchlines.
Then there’s the Earl of Sandwich. Now, THAT’S pretty cool. I’d be PROUD to have a sandwich named after me. “I’ll have the Ace Backwords on rye, hold the sour grapes.”
Or I’d be proud to have a weird sex act named after me. “Did you hear, Joe pulled an Ace Backwords! Yeah, he’ll be hospitalized for several weeks.”
The comedian George Carlin used to do a routine about how annoyed he was about all the famous people who are famous to some people but he’s never heard of them. They’re famous in some narrow sphere he doesn’t know anything about. Like the guys that are really famous to everyone who watches a certain cable channel, but nobody else knows who the hell they are. Course I’m sure there’s somebody out there wondering who the hell is George Carlin.
I’m sure there’s somebody out there who is famous for being the greatest left-handed billiards player in Hungary. Amongst left-handed Hungarian billiards players the guy is a Super Star.
My problem is, I never watch TV or go to movies, but I always read newspapers and magazines. So I KNOW all the famous people, I just don’t know what the hell they’re famous FOR. The other day I was reading the cover story of the latest PEOPLE magazine. Jessica is very mad at Ken. I felt cheated somehow, like I should know all about who the hell Jessica and Ken are.
And then there are the people like Paris Hilton who are famous for being famous. Then, somebody writes a book about her and he becomes famous for THAT. Somebody else comes along and does a documentary about him and becomes famous for being famous for being famous for being famous. And then, I write a website about it and… well, you get the picture. We have a terrible crisis on our hands. There’s simply too many famous people. We have a veritable log-jam of famous people. Everyday now, dozens of famous people die and there’s just not enough space in the obituaries to cover them all.
When I first became aware of the Internet two years ago, my first reaction was: “Gee, maybe I can use this thing to increase my level of fame.” S o you know I’m fucked. I had a landmark moment last week: There are now over 1,000 entries for “Ace Backwords” when I do a Google word-search for myself. Plus, another 250 for all the illiterate dunces who spell my name “Ace Backwards” with an “a.” Which means I just need about 99,000 more entries to qualify as a bona fide Famous Person. And this website counts for one more entry, so I’m getting more famous by the minute while you’re sitting there on your lazy, unfamous ass. Hah.
In the World Wide Web of the future, everyone will be famous for 15 kilobytes.
Acid Heroes 
Being famous is often synonymous with being rich. While I’d settle for being rich, the idea of being famous is about as attractive as a blowjob from a cross-eyed fat girl. Part of it is nice, but the rest…yech!
While you’re somewhat famous, Ace, I’m guessing that you’d give it all up to be rich. I think that you simply need a better publisher. We all know that you can write!
I never wanted fame, per say. There’s so many unsettling and bizarre aspects to it. But for whatever reasons, I DID want to reach a fairly large audience with my art and writing. And fame was sort of the unavoidable bi-product of that. As well as the way of keeping score.