Acid Heroes

April 29, 2011

It’s So Empty, Part 2

Filed under: Random Archives — Ace Backwords @ 12:47 pm

(Originally publisher October 31, 2005)

I pace back and forth all day long like a caged tiger. I’m seething with rage. I want to bite SOMEBODY. But WHO? I walk back and forth down the same 20 blocks all day long, every day, for years and years. It’s become noticeable. People sometimes say as I pass: “There goes that guy walking by again.” One day, this bum flopped out under a tree in Peoples Park said: “There goes that guy who’s always walking by. Hey, why do you keep walking by?” I walked a couple blocks. The more I thought of it, the more enraged I got. I stomped back towards the Park (after picking up several free Popsicles they were handing out on the corner as a promotional give-away, so at least SOMETIMES there’s a logical reason for why I walk back and forth). I stood there glaring at the bum in the Park. He was a guy with a pony tail, graying hair, neatly dressed, beret, suede trench coat, a dog. “There’s that guy again. Why do you keep walking by?”

“I walk around all day cuz I’m looking for stuff to sell at my vending table,” I said, with rage and indignation. “That’s what I’M doing. What are YOU doing?”

“I’m just sitting here being a load on society,” he said with a smirk. “And loving every second.”

“Some people think it’s weird that I’m doing something while they’re doing nothing,” I sneered. And stomped off to my miserable life. I guess they no longer call them “sidewalks.” They’re now “side-sit-on-your-asses.”

But he touched a raw nerve with me. Because there’s something borderline insane about they way I walk back and forth — BACK AND FORTH!!!! — all day long. From nowhere to nowhere. Looking for something that isn’t there. Looking for something that is almost NEVER there. I’ve reconciled myself that this fucking world just does not have to offer what I’m looking for. And yet, like Sisyphus endlessly pushing that rock up the mountain, I can’t stop looking for it anyways. I’ve been cursed by the gods.

In between walking around I’ll stop off at my post office box. Nothing. I’ll come up to the campus and check my email. Lots of real groovy spam (are there really that many guys looking to buy Viagra?). I’ll sit at “my spot” on the corner of Cody’s Books, smoking a cigarette and sort of leering at the people passing by. I’ll get up, start walking again, every other block I’ll spot somebody I don’t want to see (“Oh God, HIM!” I’ll groan, and dash across the street to the other side) (sometimes I zig zag back and forth 5 times within a 5 block radius) (I really am nuts).

Sometimes I’ll stop and look through the window at the television screen inside Raleigh’s sports bar. “Is that what everybody is doing? Watching TV?” I can’t plug into anything. I’m trapped in hell.

Welcome to my daymare…


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