Acid Heroes: the Legends of LSD

April 15, 2013

Weird Sex

Filed under: Backwords from Ace — Ace Backwords @ 9:42 pm
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Over the years of doing my field research while living amongst a tribe of feral cats I’ve witnessed some peculiar feline behavior, re the sex life of cats.  For instance:

Cats usually have sex in the traditional doggy-style position (though I’m sure they hate that term).  But I’ve seen them having sex in the missionary possition, too.

When they’re having sex the tom will often sink its teeth in the back of the female’s neck to give it better leverage.  Sometimes the tom will go too far and cause real pain causing the female to turn around and slash the tom in the face.  Then she stands there for a couple seconds glaring at him like she’s thinking:   “Sure, I like a little rough, kinky sex, but knock it off, asshole!”   Then they resume.  (When I was a kid I used to hear the neighborhood cats howling and screeching at night while they were doing their mating thing.  And our tom cat would sometimes come strangling in in the morning with his face all scratched up.  I always figured it was from fighting with the other toms over the females.  But now I think it was the females that were slashing him.)

Cats have a peculiar mating ritual.  When the female is in heat the tomcat will stalk the female everywhere she goes for hours, usually staying about 20 feet behind the female.  The female will play hard to get and do everything she can, seemingly, to ditch the annoying male stalker.  But every now and then she’ll actually succeed in losing the tom.  And then she immediately backtracks so she can find the tom and they can start the mating dance all over again.   Isn’t that just like a woman?

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 One time I saw a female trudge down the hill about 100 feet with a tom attached to the back of her, pumping away the whole time.  When the female finally got to the catfood dish by the creek she immediately flicked the male off of her and went about eating her breakfast.  Feral cats really aren’t very romantic.

Cats will risk their lives to have sex.   One time this tom chased this female up a tree and she walked all the way to the end of this long branch about 30 feet off the ground to get away from the dude.   The male followed her all the way to the end of the branch.  Then this other female who had the horns out for the tom climbed up on the branch with them.  So now all 3 are stuck up there in this log-jam.  Finally, after about 10 minutes of standing there in confusion, they figured:  “Hey, this is stupid.  Lets get down from this damn tree.”  And they scurried back down.

Sometimes my cats will lick eachother in the face for long periods.  I don’t know if they’re just grooming eachother or what.  But it sure looks like they’re kissing.

The whole mating ritual usually starts with the male and female singing back and forth to eachother.  Its like a Sonny and Cher point-counterpoint kind of love ballad.  At first you think they’re fighting because it sounds similiar to when cats are hissing at eachother in combat (and they don’t call it the battle of the sexes for nothing).  This eerie, high-pitched, squealing wail.  But it has this unmistakable yearning sound to it.  I always wish I could record it, I’ll bet I could get a hit record out of the deal.  And I always suspected that if you played it at slow speed the cat sounds would translate into English like a Barry White record:  “Baby, baby, baby lets get down tonight, everybody wang chung, tonight.”

This one feral cat, he was obviously the leader of the pack.  He was the most assertive, the most dominant, the most intelligent, he was always first in line and the other cats always stayed two steps behind him and followed his lead.  So I named him King Cat.  But then one day I saw King Cat getting screwed by this tom, so I had to change “his” name to Queen Cat.

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5 Comments »

  1. Maybe ” King Cat” was gay so “he” was a Queen.

    Comment by Obadiah Robert Robinson — April 15, 2013 @ 10:05 pm | Reply

  2. If any of this were “just like a woman” i would be proud to be anti-human, indeed.

    Comment by David Thomas Roberts — April 15, 2013 @ 10:07 pm | Reply

  3. Disappointed in this post. Thought it was going to be about when you wanted to spank me.

    Comment by Another Mary — March 18, 2014 @ 4:07 pm | Reply

    • Hey whats so weird about that? Ha ha. Bad girls need a good spanking every now and then. And those darn bad boys too. I can tell you those cats go for a little S and M action when theyre gettig down.

      Comment by Ace Backwords — March 19, 2014 @ 6:56 am | Reply

  4. Funny, thanks, Ace!

    Comment by janeweed — August 2, 2014 @ 3:23 am | Reply


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