3. Completely eliminate broccoli from my daily diet.
4. Try to be kinder to all the scumbags who keep fucking with me.
5. Spread waves of joy everywhere I go (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song).
6. Stop weeping in public (set aside a private time for sobbing and moaning in pain).
7. Spend more time with my dysfunctional family.
8. Start buying Olde English malt liquor wholesale instead of retail (a savings of 45 cents per 40)
9. Throw my weight behind the campaign to get Christ out of Christmas (wish one and all a “very merry Mas”)
10. Spend more time researching the details of Kloe and Lamar’s divorce
11. Try to make peace with Yoko Ono
12. Learn to play at least one Led Zeppelin song from start to finish to impress chicks at parties.
13. Learn to love again. Or at least how to have sex again.
14. Practice twerking in private before attempting in public
15. For God’s sake try to come up with an opinion about Obamacare one way or the other
16. More alcohol. Less gluten
17. Find appropriate forums for expressing vile, repulsive personal opinions on world affairs
18. Keep my goddam mouth shut for once!!!
19. Find a publisher for my manuscript “How to Make Friends and Influence People With A Gluten-Free Diet”
20. More naps!!
21. Remember: “They deserved killing, your Honor” is not a defense that generally holds up in court
22. Stop cursing the gods
23. Strive to do more of the same old shit in 2014 that I did in 2013
24. Try to develop a more positive attitude about life (yeah, right)
25. Forgive yourself. Blame everybody else.
26. Death before dishonor?? Think concept all the way through before committing one way or the other
27. Remember that the more you give the less you have for yourself
28. Accept the fact that God made you exactly as you are. But that God also made plastic surgery, hair weaves and liposuction surgery.
29. Stop doing all that stupid stuff I did last year and just do smart stuff this year
30. Resolve all those neurotic and/or psychotic behavior patterns: Peace of mind and happiness 365 days straight!!
31. Stop screaming in impotent rage every time I read the front page of a newspaper
32. Become a completely different person
33. Put on a clean shirt at least every other week
34. Learn to love and accept your compulsion towards drunken binges
35. No more crack cocaine before 5 in the evening.
36. Try to get in touch with your masculine side
37. See a doctor and dentist, if only for weird kicks