New Years Resolutions for 2014

1. Quit slamming heroin.
2. No more killing sprees!!!

3. Completely eliminate broccoli from my daily diet.
4. Try to be kinder to all the scumbags who keep fucking with me.
5. Spread waves of joy everywhere I go (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song).
6. Stop weeping in public (set aside a private time for sobbing and moaning in pain).
7. Spend more time with my dysfunctional family.
8. Start buying Olde English malt liquor wholesale instead of retail (a savings of 45 cents per 40)

9. Throw my weight behind the campaign to get Christ out of Christmas (wish one and all a “very merry Mas”)
10. Spend more time researching the details of Kloe and Lamar’s divorce
11. Try to make peace with Yoko Ono
12. Learn to play at least one Led Zeppelin song from start to finish to impress chicks at parties.
13. Learn to love again.  Or at least how to have sex again.

14. Practice twerking in private before attempting in public
15. For God’s sake try to come up with an opinion about Obamacare one way or the other
16. More alcohol. Less gluten
17. Find appropriate forums for expressing vile, repulsive personal opinions on world affairs

18. Keep my goddam mouth shut for once!!!
19. Find a publisher for my manuscript “How to Make Friends and Influence People With A Gluten-Free Diet”
20. More naps!!
21. Remember: “They deserved killing, your Honor” is not a defense that generally holds up in court

22. Stop cursing the gods
23. Strive to do more of the same old shit in 2014 that I did in 2013
24. Try to develop a more positive attitude about life (yeah, right)

25. Forgive yourself. Blame everybody else.
26. Death before dishonor??  Think concept all the way through before committing one way or the other
27. Remember that the more you give the less you have for yourself
28. Accept the fact that God made you exactly as you are. But that God also made plastic surgery, hair weaves and liposuction surgery.

29. Stop doing all that stupid stuff I did last year and just do smart stuff this year
30. Resolve all those neurotic and/or psychotic behavior patterns: Peace of mind and happiness 365 days straight!!
31. Stop screaming in impotent rage every time I read the front page of a newspaper
32. Become a completely different person
33. Put on a clean shirt at least every other week

34. Learn to love and accept your compulsion towards drunken binges
35. No more crack cocaine before 5 in the evening.
36. Try to get in touch with your masculine side
37. See a doctor and dentist, if only for weird kicks


7 thoughts on “New Years Resolutions for 2014

  1. You really are a great writer. This is one of my worst Christmases ever. I hope you feel okay. I will not kill myself. Lonely cold. I think it can only get better.

  2. The $.25 book thing was a real service to a lot of people. You could’ve made more money too. People would offer you money. You’re either crazy or very ethical. I still have some of the books. Some of them are extraordinary. Well, I’m lonely again. But I am glad I’m not drinking. I want love from a beautiful young woman. It is very natural. It is in our genes. I usually have a poor attitude. I have to fight it every day. It’s like blue. 19 things to go right for me. But the one wrong thing is what I focus on and get angry about. Even though it is very small. I miss hate man, Duncan, Ace.

    1. If I couldn’t complain and vent on this forum I’m, I might commit suicide. A ce so you’re doing a wonderful favor for the whole universe.

  3. Ace, your writing is a soothing balm for lost & damaged souls (including myself). I’m gonna work on that part about cursing the gods & hope they make me a completely different person.

      1. Screaming in public depends where you do it. i gave one dollar to a young guy who was screaming incoherently not too loud in Eugene Oregon. Winters are very bad in Eugene because it’s always raining and gray. People would be better off in a warmer place I think. I gave him a dollar in memory of Craig. Because not all screamers are bad people by any means. In fact

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