January 6, 2014 Associated Press
According to a statement released today by his publicist, Ace Backwords, 57, has publicly come out as a white male heterosexual. In a statement that has shocked several and sent ripples across the internet community, Backwords announced: “Because of persistent rumors and allegations, I felt the time was right to set the record straight, as it were. I am heterosexual.”
The revelation came as a complete surprise to many who have known Backwords for years. Backwords went on to say: “I’ve given a lot of hard thought as to how this decision might affect my career and personal life. But then I realized I had no career or personal life, and that made my decision much easier to bear. I’d also like to thank my family and friends for their love and support and bare minimum of snide remarks.”
“Furthermore, by coming out publicly in this way, I thought it might also benefit many others like me, who have silently suffered from the shame and guilt that often comes from being associated with the White Male Heterosexual Oppressor community, who, as we all know, are the cause of all the problems in today’s society.”
When reached for comment, spokesmen for Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton announced that, due to Backwords lack of celebrity status, they had “no comment at this particular time.” But went on to state that they haven’t ruled out the possibility of scheduling some kind of protest about something or other, at some unspecified future date.
Copies of this statement announcing Backwords’ heterosexuality were sent out to all three of the major television networks as well as numerous national news outlets. Backwords himself was seen later in the day personally making the announcement to several female patrons at a local tavern.