Acid Heroes

April 14, 2014

“The Big Rifle Bonanza Prairie Valley”

The following story is fiction.  Any resemblance to any person living or half-dead is purely coincidental.

Nevada is the 7th largest state in the country.  So we’re talking a lot of land.  70% of the people in Nevada live in Clark County.  So that’s the valuable land.  Clark County is about 8,000 square miles.

Once upon a time there was an old coot named Rancher Bundy (no relation to Al or Ted).  Rancher Bundy had a ranch in Clark County, coincidentally known as the Bundy Ranch.  His grandpappy — commonly known as Grandpappy Bundy — had claimed several hundred thousand square acres as his own back in 1897. And he paid for the land with beads and wampum and bootleg whiskey. Plus he had it notarized in a court of law.  So it was an official done deal. The Bundy Ranch.

Well sir, things was goin’ fine.  Until one day, the evil one, Harry “Black Bart” Reid —  armed with an army of devious rat lawyers and forged documents —  declared “habeous corpus” and “jurisprudence.”  Reid decided he was gonna’  wrest control of the Bundy Ranch and take the land and cattle for himself.  He was fiendish, that Black Bart Reid!!  So he rounded up his gang of outlaw cattle rustlers, disguised as deputies.  And they rode to the ranch in a cloud of black dust, armed with gatlin guns, assault weapons, stink bombs and whoopee cushions.

The situation looked dire.  Several of the ranch hands even got diarrhea from quakin’ with fear.  All seemed lost.  Harry “Black Bart” Reid was licking his chops and waxing his mustache.  And they even tied a fair damsel down to the railroad tracks and she done got runned over before Mighty Mouse could rescue her.  So all seemed lost.

Until way off on the horizon was spotted a mass of quickly-approaching, horse-ridin’ galoots.  Padner, I’m tellin’ ya, it was none other than Rancher Bundy’s long-lost sons, Hoss Bundy and Little Joe Bundy  and Frank (the odd one).    And they had rounded up a posse with the Rifleman (starring Chuck Connors) and the Lone Ranger, amongst many other guest stars.  And they came ridin’ into the Big Valley with 6-shooters a-blazin’.  And they killed a bunch a people and they hung a few varmints just for kicks.  And before you know it, the outlaws had beat a hasty retreat with tails between their legs.  And Harry “Black Bart” Reid crawled back under the rock from whence he came and was never heard from ever again, aside from an occasional guest appearance on “Meet the Press.”

Needless to say, the west was won.   The outlaws had been defeated and everybody ate home-made apple pie and went back to watching pornography on the internet.   The end.



1 Comment »

  1. Love that photo being placed right under the legend “Acid heroes: etc”. Looks rilly cool.

    Comment by Coca Lero — April 17, 2014 @ 8:01 am | Reply

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