I lost my fucking glasses

 

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I was diagnosed with glaucoma about 5 years ago.  I’m legally blind in the left eye (20-200). And not so hot in the right eye, either.
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If that wasn’t bad enough, a couple of nights ago I got a little too drunk and I fell down in the woods while I was hiking up to my campsite, and my glasses came off and I lost them.  It wasn’t completely my fault.  This complete idiot, this complete lunatic, has been camping near my campsite.  So I veered off of the usual trail I take to avoid him.  Ended up thrashing around in the bushes in almost complete darkness, having no idea where I am or which direction I’m going.  Fell down several times, and in the process, lost my glasses.  I was so drunk, I didn’t even realize I had lost them until I was half-way to my campsite.  Spent two hours the next morning searching around for them.  But it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

On the upside:  I look more handsome without my glasses.  Or maybe it’s just because I can’t see what I really look like.  Ha ha.

So for the last couple days, I’ve been staggering around without my glasses. Walking around half-blind probably takes 50 points off my IQ.  In fact, it’s starting to turn me into an imbecile.

This morning I ordered my breakfast in a restaurant, and they gave me order number 99 on my receipt.  So I’m waiting and waiting for my number to be called.  But they don’t call it.  Finally, I get tired of waiting, so I go up to the counter and say:

“Where the hell is my breakfast? I’m number 99.”

And the guy says:

“You’re number is 66.  You’re looking at your receipt upside-down (you idiot).”

I get my breakfast and it’s completely cold.  Sheesh.

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6 thoughts on “I lost my fucking glasses

  1. How would you know it was like searching for a needle in a haystack ? Have you ever done that?… Searched for a needle in a haystack.😁😒😣
    What if the needle was a huge thick 6 foot long steel object? And the hay was only 2 inches high. How about some fucking accuracy!!
    The world is falling apart and all you can do is use Bad metaphors.
    In reality, I greatly admire you and I worry about you. I hope you find your glasses. Maybe cut down on the drinking just a little.😜😳😞😞

    1. In truth it was literally like a needle in a haystack. The weeds and hay and dead grass and straw in the hills looked exactly like the silver frames of my glasses. A literary genius like Ace Backeords wouldnt have resorted to such a cliche if it wasnt exactly apt. That is my pledge to the 12 people who actually read my blog.

  2. I’ve lost my glasses at one point or another and it is always a huge pain in the ass. Best of luck with your search!

    1. Thanks. I already ordered a new pair and they’ll be ready next week. The ones I lost were 6 years old and all bent out of shape. So what the hell.

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