Acid Heroes

January 21, 2015

The loner

Filed under: Backwords from Ace — Ace Backwords @ 10:09 pm
Tags: , , ,

 

I’m pretty much of a loner these days.  I spend most of my time walking the city streets by myself.  Or sitting by myself.  Lost within my strange thoughts.

During different periods of my life I was more sociable.  I’d be in the middle of these dynamic social scenes.  But somehow, I ran out of scenes. . . . And over the years I’ve had 4 or 5 close friends.  But most of them died off, one by one.  And I never got around to replacing them with new friends.

In the last years of his life, John Lennon said that he didn’t believe in the concept of friends.   “With most so-called friends it’s just a matter of mutual self-using.”  Lennon spent the last 5 years of his life mostly surrounded by paid employees  — maids, servants, gofers and sycophants —  as opposed to friends.  I guess sometimes it’s simpler to just buy relationships.

Of course I’m lonely.  But I’ve always been lonely.  Even when I was surrounded by people I was still lonely.

Some nights I’ll feel a craving for human contact.  So I’ll buy a 40 of OE and hang out with this big group of homeless street people in People’s Park.  Many of them I’ve known for 15 or 20 years.  So I have quite a bit of history with some of them.  By the time I’ve polished off my second 40 we’re usually hugging each other and high-fiving and telling each other how great we all are.  Loud music, raucous conversation, and real-or-imagined camaraderie.   I might not have any friends.  But I have a lot of people I feel friendly towards.  I just can’t get close to anybody anymore.  It’s like I’m locked up inside my head and can’t get out.

Most of my relationships these days are via the internet.  Facebook and my website and emails.  Social media, so-called.  And I’ve had many heartfelt conversations with these cyber-friends and acquaintances (as well as some of the other kind, too, heh heh).

They say that “Facebook is to relationships what masturbation is to sex.”

. . . . . But then, that pretty much describes my sex life, too.  So what can you do.

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3 Comments »

  1. Brilliant and heartfelt as always. You are an excellent writer. I wish u could break out of your isolation. You seem like such a fine person. there are books on how to repair your self-esteem.
    Maybe your problem is partially that you are a fine person.One Spanish artist said that people do not want passion, they want the appearance of passion.

    Comment by Richard List — January 22, 2015 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

    • Very interesting comment. “People want the appearance of passion.” Maybe the real thing is a little too much for people to deal with. Often I think what people (the audience) mostly want is a slightly clever re-make of the same-old-thing.

      Or maybe it’s like the old stage-performer adage: “The important thing isn’t that you feel it every night. But that the people in the audience THINK you’re feeling it every night.”

      I remember this guy telling me about this Paul McCartney concert he went to. At one point in the middle of the concert, McCartney stopped playing music and just sat at the front of the stage for several minutes staring out at the audience. “I just want to drink this all in,” he said. Like he was just over-come with emotion and wanted to savor the moment. The audience loved it. This sort of spontaneous, heart-felt moment. . . . But then the guy saw several more McCartney concerts during that tour. And he realized McCartney did that little act at every show, at the exact same time.

      Comment by Ace Backwords — January 22, 2015 @ 11:18 pm | Reply

      • Of course there’s that other famous Show Biz adage: “The secret to success in Show Biz is to be able to be sincere. And when you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

        Comment by Ace Backwords — January 22, 2015 @ 11:19 pm


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