“Love.” In quotation marks



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When I was younger I was constantly “falling in love.” I put it in quotes. Because I’m not sure if it was really love. It was more a longing to BE loved. This “unrequited love” thing. As Swami Muktananda once put it: “What many people think of as human love is often just histrionics.” It was mostly like that.

I was constantly “falling in love” with these beautiful young women. I would put them up on a pedastool, project all sorts of virtuous traits onto them, and convince myself that they were the answer to all my prayers.  Basically, I “fell in love” with the projection that I created in my own head.  But still, there was this unmistakable magic in the air whenever they showed up.  A feeling more powerful than the most powerful drug.  So there was something real about the whole deal.  Mixed in with a lot of serious bullshit and confusion.

Sometimes, with some women, the “in love” feeling could last for a decade. Or for a couple of years.  Other times it lasted for 6 months. Sometimes it just lasted for an afternoon. I’d meet some beautiful stranger, and all the promise she seemed to hold. And I’d think: “Is she the ONE??” But by the end of the afternoon I’d realize: “Nope.”

Like I lot of people, I was looking for a Soul Mate. That one person I was meant to be with. Who would complete me. The prize we were all chasing after was “unconditional love.” Someone who would just love us for who we were. Of course the ones I sought out always had the condition of being young and beautiful. So my thinking was obviously bogus.

Forty years later when I surveyed the wreckage of my relationships with women I realized. My attitude about women had basically been formed by two things: Pornography. And romantic pop songs on the radio. So I was fucked.

Eventually I realized. My basic personality was that of a loner. So its no surprise that I ended up alone.

Nowadays I just hang out with a bunch of cats. The End.


One thought on ““Love.” In quotation marks

  1. Carl Jung wrote about those projections. He said they were a universal archetype, and he called it the anima. Each man’s anima is colored by his individual experiences, beginning with his mother, etc. Jung cautioned that the anima can have a ” siren call” which can lead to a man’s destruction. Most of the women I tend to project on tend to eventually lead to trouble & heartache. I like the eastern philosophy take on the whole thing: the whole act is delusion that’s kicked off by desire that leads to attachment & generates all manner of negative karma when acted upon. Most people think I am being negative & world weary.

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