Acid Heroes

November 7, 2016

Another one of those nights

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I had another one of “those nights” last night

It was well after midnight so I headed to the campus to get the cans of cat food I got stashed in the bushes before I headed up to my campsite. But when I bent over to get the cat food I realized — inexplicably! — my glasses were gone!! WHERE DID THEY GO?? They’re usually sitting right there on my face attached to my nose. So it’s one of those “He’d lose his head if it wasn’t attached to his neck” levels of stupidity.

Then I remembered about 100 yards down the road I had stopped at a bench to put on my hoodie. “I bet when I took off my glasses to pull my hoodie over my head I forgot to put them back on!” Sounded plausible. So I rushed back to the bench and searched all around, but no luck.

So I spent the next hour retracing my steps in the hopes of finding them. But still no luck.

“Maybe they fell into my backpack when I opened it up to get my hoodie.” So I go to open up my backpack but the damn zipper is stuck. So I’m tugging and tugging but I tug too hard and rip the zipper off. So now all the stuff is falling out of my pack as I stagger around in the darkness and everything is just going from bad to worse.

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I figure I MUST have lost them by the bench. That’s the only logical explanation. So I go back there and I’m crawling around in the bushes on my hands and knees looking for them. But it’s pitch dark and I’m half blind without my glasses so it’s looking hopeless.

If that wasn’t bad enough a car pulls into the adjacent parking lot and blinds me with their head lights. I’m already pissed as it is and now I gotta deal with this asshole who I want to kill!! So Im glaring at him like I’ll rip his lungs out if he doesn’t get his damn lights out of my face and right now, dude!!

Unfortunately for me, it turned out the car lights were attached to a cop car. So the cop gets out of his car and walks over to me. “Could I see your ID, sir?” So now I got some ‘splaining to do. I’m still on my hands and knees crawling around in the bushes in the dark well after midnight.

“I imagine this looks a little weird from your point of view,” I said. “Some idiot crawling around in the bushes at 2 in the morning.” I figured a little self-deprecating humor couldn’t hurt. “You see I lost my glasses so I’m looking around for them. And yeah I had a little to drink.” Usually the last thing I want to do is admit to a cop that I had been drinking. But in this case I thought it would be better to convey that I was just a harmless idiot drunk, as opposed to a potentially dangerous lunatic crawling around in the bushes at 2 in the morning for no purpose.

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The cop helpfully turned on his flashlight to aid me in my search. But it was hopeless. I thanked the cop for his help and quickly headed back towards Telegraph so the cop would assume I was leaving the campus and getting out of his hair. And then I circled back and spent another hour fruitlessly retracing my steps in vain.

Finally I thought. “Fuck it I’ll just sleep right here in the bushes where I stash my cat food. It’s a fairly secluded spot and I got my sleeping bag. That way I can resume my search first thing in the morning in the light of day.”

So I crawled into my sleeping bag. And, in a seeming blink of an eye, it was suddenly morning. And as I was packing up my sleeping bag — miracle of miracles!! — there were my glasses lying there on the ground. I guess they had fallen off my face when I had bent over to get the cat food. That was the good news. The bad news was that I had slept on top of them and they were mangled and bent out of shape.

But at least I found the damn things!

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