‘I knew God was with us’: Lionel Messi hails Argentina’s salvation
In the wake of Argentina’s 1-0 victory over Nigeria, the World Cup Federation is looking into allegations that God may have unfairly rigged the results of the match. The investigation was prompted by controversial comments by Argentina’s star player, Lionel Messi, that “I know God was with us.”
“Clearly Divine Intervention is in violation of World Cup rules and bylaws,” stated World Cup Commissioner Pierre Flambe. And sited a similar case where two Brazilian soccer players had admitted they had sold their souls to Satan in order to insure victory. Both players received 12-game suspensions for their actions.
When pressed by reporters, God admitted that, yes, He was with Argentina and against Nigeria. And that He had worked behind the scenes to ensure that Argentina would win. As well as thwarting Nigeria at key points in the match because, according to God, He felt the Nigerians were “losers” who didn’t deserve to win. When a reporter questioned whether it was fair of God to interfere with the doings of mortals, God stated: “Hey, life isn’t fair. I’m God. I can do whatever I like. And if you don’t like it, that’s too fucking bad.” And with that, God zapped the offending reporter with a bolt of lightening, incinerating him on the spot, abruptly ending the press conference.