Turkey wars



Oh man this was great!

Usually the wild turkeys drive me nuts. Whenever my back is turned they’ll sneak into my campsite, eat all the cat food, knock over the water dish, and turkey-shit all over the place. All the while making that obnoxious sputtering, gargling “gobble gobble” sound. And, for a creature with a brain the size of a pea, they’re surprisingly crafty. They just materialize instantly out of nowhere.

I’ll chase after them in a rage, in my bare feet, cursing and throwing rocks and branches at them. But I can never hit them. They’re also surprisingly fast. They remind me of the Roadrunner cartoon character how they can motor up that hill with those two strong legs of theirs.

Its nothing personal but I can barely afford to feed my feral cats. I can’t afford to feed a bunch of goddamn 40-pound wild turkeys, too. So its war between me and the turkeys.

So anyways this morning I managed to sneak up on one of the turkeys. He was lurking on a branch up a tree looking just like the goddamn vulture that he is. And I guess he was dozing because he didn’t notice me sneaking towards him. By the time he spotted me and jumped off the branch and headed up the hill, he didn’t have the big head start for once. I flung this branch at him and hit him, direct hit right on the side — it made this very satisfied WHOMP! sound. The turkey jumped straight up in the air, squawking and feathers flying, and then fled up the hill, tail between its legs.

I’m sure it didn’t damage him. But I’m sure it stung for a moment. And maybe it”ll make him think twice about stealing my goddamn cat food. HARUMPH!!



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