When I was young I used to constantly be “falling in love.” It was like a sickness with me. And I could usually tell from the first time I saw the person that she was “the one.” Ya know? “Love at first sight.” That bit. There was just something about her that immediately attracted me to this person. The way she looked, the way she moved, the way she dressed, the way she talked, the way she acted. As soon as I saw the person I’d think: “Uh oh here we go again.” I would just immediately feel an incredible attraction towards this person. I’d be driven towards them by this force that just came out of nowhere. And it was such an over-powering drive, I could only just barely control it. And only some of the time. I was like a mindless dog in heat.
And it wreaked havoc on my social life. I would do things like travel 3,000 miles on a whim merely in the hopes of being in the same room with my beloved other. I’d do stupidities like that on a regular basis.
I always put it in quotes, “love.” Because there were some sordid aspects to it that differentiated from the purity that we associate with real love. The underlying impulse was a sexual obsession, basically. But it wasn’t JUST sex. I was attracted to EVERYTHING about the person. Even her faults and short-comings were endearing to me (“Why she is so special!!”). And I wanted to be around her ALL the time. Not just for sex. Whatever she was interested in, I was also interested in too. Whatever she wanted from her life, I was there to help her any way I could. It wasn’t exactly like the corny pop ballads where they proclaim “I would die for you.” But there were elements of that. If she was hurting, it would hurt me. And I cared about her as much as I cared about myself. Sometimes even more. So there were elements of real love in there. Mixed in with a lot of other stuff.
But in a weird way I wasn’t even “in love” with the actual person. I was “in love” with this idealized image of her that I had created in my own head and projected onto her. She was everything I ever wanted in another person and the answer to all my dreams, because I had basically dreamed her up myself. Conjured her up out of my own fantasies. “The girl of my dreams.”
Of course my relationships with these dream girls rarely worked out. And when they did work, it wasn’t for very long. What usually doomed it from the start was that we were hopelessly mis-matched. The overwhelming attraction I felt for her had little to do with the kind of person she actually was. I was just mindlessly driven to her, and then I would just sort of try to somehow shoe-horn my way into her life. It wasn’t like how normal friendships organically and gradually develop. Where you find you have things in common with the other person, and similar temperaments, and you find you’re comfortable and relaxed around the person. So the friendship naturally develops and grows. But this “in love” thing was just an instantaneous attraction. And then you somehow desperately try to make it work on the fly.
And I would do this other thing where I would try to turn myself into the kind of person that I thought she wanted (as opposed to being who I actually was). And I tried to turn HER into the person I wanted her to be. Of course all real and mature relationships are grounded on the exact opposite principal: Accepting the other person exactly as they ARE.
The weirdest and most disturbing aspect of it was the “Tales of Brave Ulysses” Sirens of Titan aspect. “His naked ears were tortured by the Siren sweetly singing.” The beloved other was so beautiful, so angelic, so heavenly, she literally had the power to drive me to my doom. She was like the best drug, the best high in the world. But with the worst payback..She would inspire the most heavenly and celestial feelings in me. Even as she was driving me towards the rocks.
The last time I “fell in love” was 1999. And it went on for a couple of years. And it was even a bigger disaster than all my other attempts at “being in love.” Which were bad enough. The whole debacle was so painful, so stupid and so completely hopeless that I think it finally cured me of that nonsense. I realized it just wasn’t in the cards for me. That I was hopelessly mis-wired in that regard. And doomed to failure if I even tried. So I just gave up on “love.” And instead now I mostly just follow sports and post stuff on Facebook.