Pretty miserable night last night. On my hands and knees in the bushes puking my guts out all night long in the rain and cold. Some nights are better than others.
Before I even started drinking last night I felt this burning in my guts. Like heart-burn or something. I don’t know if it’s my drinking catching up to me. Or something I ate (had Mexican for dinner with lotsa’ hot sauce — something I usually don’t eat).A I wisely decided to stop drinking at beer 5 and trudged in the rain to this secluded doorway I’ve been crashing at for years. That’s when things went from bad to worse. As soon as I laid down I felt nauseous and knew I was going to puke at some point. So all I could do is lay there and wait for the puke to come up at its own sweet time. Finally I can tell it’s coming. So I stagger out of my blankets and crawl on all fours to the bushes. Wretch wretch wretch of the dry heaves until it finally surges out in a wretched spew.
But usually right after I puke I usually feel better. You got the poison out of your system and you immediately feel that warm glow of returning health. But not tonight. Even after puking I still felt nauseous. That’s when I knew I was in trouble and had some weird bug. I rolled over on my side and slept fitfully for about an hour. Until I had to get up and repeat the whole on-my-hands-and-knees-puking scenario again. And it went on like that all night long. Getting up every hour to puke again. And weirdly in between puking I would have the same weird recurring dream all night long.
This next part might be filed under More Than You Need To Know. So if you’re squeamish you might wanna skip this part.
I vividly remember looking at my cellphone at one point and seeing it was 2:30 am and realizing it was going to be a LONG night before I got myself out of this jam. Crawled to the bushes for the third time to puke and shit my pants in the process. Couldn’t be helped. Something about the thermodynamics of the human metabolism and the natural laws of action-and-reaction. The propulsion coming out of both ends. It’s pure science.
So now I’m really in a mess. And wouldn’t you know it?? It’s the ONE time I didn’t have any paper towels on me. So how was I going to clean up this fucking mess.
But what saved my ass (literally). I just happened to have a copy of a newsprint magazine in my backpack (thanks RECORD COLLECTOR magazine!!). And that saved the day.
I went through the whole process at least two more times during the course of the night. Puking and sharting. The crucial thing was trying to avoid getting any shit on my pants. Because then I’d have to walk around smelling like shit all day. So that was the real battle (my life really is a saga). Fortunately I was wearing two layers of pants so the second pair was insulated from the mess.reactions ·
Just as it was starting to get light around 6am I got up and puked one last time for old time’s sake. As I was on my hands and knees wretching in the bushes, as a light rain fell down on me, I remember vivividly speculating that perhaps I’d been cursed by the gods for sins accrued in past lifetimes to have ended up in such a lowly position (I had to allow myself one brief indulgence in self-pity — generally in these type of situations I try to feel as little as possible — just turn myself into a machine and just keep trudging in the general direction of the light at the end of the tunnel.
I quickly packed up my camping stuff, cleaned up the mess, and rushed off to the basement bathroom at Barrows Hall that had just opened up. Fortunately at that hour it was deserted. So I was able to clean up in peace. And got everything taken care of right before, right on cue, another person came into the restroom. Another homeless guy as it was. And he paid me no mind. So I got my ass out of there and lived happily ever after. The End.