Welcome to Monday Madness!!

Welcome to Monday Madness. This week they put a little extra madness into their Monday.

I don’t know if this kind of stuff happens to everybody, or if I’m a magnet for nuts.

I’m sitting here at the window seat of this sports bar eating some french fries. This guy is sitting two seats down from me drinking a pitcher of beer. He’s seemingly normal-looking; neatly-dressed and neatly-groomed, a 6-foot white guy. Could pass for an up-and-coming 30-year-old business executive on his lunchbreak. But he keeps making these weird noises, so I’m slightly wary of him and keeping an eye on him out of the corner of my eye, just in case the situation escalates. Which it does.

Suddenly he lurches over towards me holding his pitcher of beer in the air and gesturing like he’s going to pour some beer into my cup of lemonade. “Care to join me?” he says.

“No thanks,” I say, “I’m drinking lemonade. But thanks.”

He returns to his seat. But then suddenly he lurches back at me and grabs a hand full of my french fries.


He puts the french fries back. But he keeps leering at me with this crazy smile on his face. And then he advances again towards my french fries.


But he’s not backing down. He keeps standing there like he’s considering making another grab at my french fries. So I jump up and confront him face to face. 

“YOU DON’T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE’S FOOD!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!” GET AWAY FROM ME!!” I am ready to fight to the death to protect my french fries (preferably his).

He makes another move towards me. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, MAN!!” I repeat. “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!” I generally like to keep a quiet low-profile in public. But now every person in the bar is staring at me. Sometimes you end up the star of the movie whether you want to be or not.

The bar security guy comes over to find out what the disturbance is all about. “THIS NUT KEEPS GRABBING AT MY FOOD!!” I explain. The security guard engages the nut in conversation, explains to him that he has to leave the premises. Finally the nut picks up his large duffel bag full of his stuff and heads on out the door. But he doesn’t leave, he stands there in the doorway for some time like he’s considering coming back in. The security guy goes back outside, chats with him further, and FINALLY he heads on down the road. No doubt in pursuit of bigger and better things.


I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out people like that. Some people are just a.) nuts, b.) assholes, c.) on drugs, or d.) some inexplicable combination of the three.

They’ll take my french fries when they pry them from my cold, dead, greasy hands.

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