Man versus Raccoon: A gripping tale in handy blog-like format


Had an odd scene at my campsite last night. Got up there around midnight and my feral cats were eagerly waiting for me. So I dumped out a can of cat food into the cat food dish.

But before my cats were able to eat much of it, a goddamn raccoon showed up. Now I can barely afford to feed my cats. I can’t afford to feed the goddamn raccoons, too. But the raccoon doesn’t care about that, the theivin’ bastard. The raccoon reached out with his front paws and started pulling the cat food dish towards him. So I grabbed the dish and pulled it back to the cats. And the raccoon grabbed the dish again and pulled it towards him. And I grabbed the dish and pulled it back. So we’re locked in this weird tug-of-war over the cat food dish, pulling back and forth. Me and the raccoon. I’m whispering under my breath “Would you get OUT of here, you!” I can’t really shout at the raccoon and scare him away. Because that would just scare my cats away, too. And then the raccoon would just come back as soon as I got into my sleeping bag, and make off with the cat food anyways. So I was stuck in this bind.

And I felt strangely ridiculous. That I was stuck in this jam. And I couldn’t out-smart this dumb beast, the raccoon. I’m the human being after all, and on top of the food chain, supposedly. But the fact is, when you live in the deep, dark woods, you’re on THEIR turf. And all the wild critters in the woods have a distinct advantage over me. For example, they all have much better night vision than me. And they’re also much more agile when it comes to traversing the hilly terrain (and I have the black-and-blue marks on my body to prove it). And considering how much alcohol I’ve usually drunk by this point, they’re often more clever than me, too. So it’s their world, and i just live in it.

So finally I just conceded defeat and poured half the cat food in one dish, and the other half in another dish. And set up separate dining facilities for the cats and the raccoon. And they all commenced to eat in peace. The End.

Feral Cat Crime Blotter


The suspect was clearly captured on the surveillance camera at the Backwords Campsite.

At approximately 7 AM, February 26, 2018, the suspect was first spotted lurking in the vincinity of the Backwords Campsite in the Berkeley Hills.  The suspect was described as a gray, male raccoon, approximately 7 years old, and weighing about 25 pounds, with a distinctive black mask covering his eyes.  According to eye witness reports, the raccoon stole a considerable amount of cat food from two different cat food dishes. According to police records, this raccoon is a repeat offender and should be considered armed and clawed and dangerous.



Another time when I ALMOST got completely soaked


On this date last year. True story.

I was drunk off my ass (who me?). Oblivious. Passed out at my campsite. And it starts pouring rain. I’m so out of it at this point, I’m the last to know.

Scaredy Cat (the feral cat) comes rushing up to my campsite and starts meowing loudly in my ear.

“MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!” meowed Scaredy Cat. Loudly.

Her incessant meowing managed to wake me up in the nick of time. I realized it was pouring rain. And i was lying there in my wet sleeping bag. And that I could have died from hypothermia (slight exaggeration) if Scaredy Cat hadn’t roused me from my drunken stupor.

In gratitude for saving my life I gave Scaredy Cat a bunch of delicious cat food, packed up my campsite, and got my ass to dry land. In the nick of time.

It was like an episode of Lassie the dog. Where Lassie heroically saves the day.

Except in truth. Scaredy Cat was mostly just waking me up because she was hungry and wanted to be fed before it started pouring rain on her. Ha ha. Cats.

But she DID save my ass that night. I would have gotten completely soaked if not for her.