The kittens had been missing for the last 10 days. I don’t know why. Mom is holing them up in a secret nest somewhere. But the whole gang came barging into my campsite in the middle of the night last night. Meowing incessantly. They were HUNGRY!!
I wake up still half-drunk. My campsite is a total mess. My cardboard matting is wet from the rain and falling apart. My blankets are strewn haphazardly in the mud. And the raccoons have dragged my backpack down the hill (bastards!). Its pitch dark. But after frantically searching through 20 different bags I manage to find a can opener and a can of mackerel.
But the can opener is a piece of junk. It opens the can halfway and stops working. The kittens can smell the mackeral so they’re really going nuts now, jumping all over me and meowing so loudly I think they’re going to hyperventilate. Which doesn’t help matters. I’m trying to pry the can open with my hands. And its one of those weird real life dramas where NOTHING is more important at this particular moment in time and space than getting this damn can of mackeral open. If only to shut up the cats. The fate of the universe is hanging in the balance.
Finally, after several lifetimes, I manage to pry the can open with a razor. Plop the food in the dish. And the cats eat breakfast happily ever after.
And I plop back down on my blankets. Its a triumph of the human spirit, I tell ya.
My feral cats are too much. For years I’ve been feeding them a diet of pretty much 100% meat. Cans of tuna. Cans of chunk chicken. Cans of ham. Or leftover restaurant food like steak burritos, and baloney and cheese sandwiches, and shrimp tortellini in rich cheese sauces. Human food. My cats probably eat better than 90% of the humans on the planet, no exaggeration (“As well they should,” says my friend Richard Plop).
But the other day I was at Safeway and noticed a real good deal on cat food. Big 22 ounce cans for $1.40. So I bought a bunch and fed them to my cats. Or tried to. My white feral cat Blondie took one whiff of that cat food and turned her nose up. Wouldn’t eat it. Then she proceeded to sit 5 feet away from me and stared at me non-stop for two hours. Its like she was saying: “Geeziz! Whats up with this cat food shit. Get up and get me some real food, dude! Now!!” I’d drift asleep in my sleeping bag for a half hour and wake up and there she was still staring at me. It was like she was trying to hypnotize me into doing her bidding. I guess it worked. I got up and scrounged around in a few garbage cans until I found an untouched bacon and egg on english muffin sandwich. Exactly what she loves to eat. I trooped back to my campsight and dumped the food in her cat dish. Blondie gave me a look like: “Harumph!! Well its about time, asshole!” And proceeded to chow down.