You ever feel like your life is a bad Cheech & Chong movie??

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Needless to say alcoholics like me can be plenty stupid. But pot-smokers can be plenty stupid too.

This one time, around harvest time, this stoner friend happened to score a big paper bag full of marijuana leaf. The growers basically save the buds and throw out the leaf. But technically it IS marijuana leaf. And if you roll the leaf up into joints you’ll get a grog-like buzz.

But the problem was, the freshly-harvested marijuana leaf was too moist for us to roll up into smokeable joints that we could sell to unsuspecting rubes for a buck a joint (we needed the cash).

So my stoner friend said “Lets take this paper bag full of wet leaf down to the 7-11. We’ll pop it into the microwave and dry it off so we can sell it.”

“Excellent idea,” I said.

Well the plan was working great. And the microwave had ALMOST dried out the marijuana leaf. But when we set the microwave for one more heat cycle, the paper bag of leaf burst into flames.

“HOLY SHIT!!” said my stoner friend. He grabbed the burning paper bag of leaf out of the 7-11 microwave. Orange flames and clouds of smoldering black smoke billowing into the air of the 7-11. Not good. So we ran towards the exit as fast as we could, carrying the flaming bag of marijuana leaf to the nearest exit (the stuff was definitely smokeable now), leaving a thick trail of smelly black marijuana smoke in our wake.

We ran out the door and down the street and extinguished the smoldering bag of marijuana in a garbage can. And got the fuck out of there as quick as we could.

The moral to the story? I get tired of potheads always looking down on alcoholics like me. Potheads can be plenty stupid too.

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Drugs in general are pretty stupid, Part 3: Pot

I’ve been thinking lately about some of the stupid things I used to do when I was taking drugs.  Now pot, I can’t think of too many stupid things I did on pot.  Mostly because, when I was stoned on pot, I mostly just sat there in my chair for long stretches of time going “Huh. . . . . ”   But I remember one time.

This friend of mine had just scored this paper bag full of freshly harvested, leafy pot.  Unfortunately it was too damp to actually smoke.  But we were resourceful and diligent potheads and we soon came up with a savvy solution to our dilemma.

“We could go to the 7-11 down the street and stick the weed into the microwave until it’s fully dried,” said my friend.

“A marvelous idea,” I concurred.

“It’s always revvin’ at 7-11,” said my friend, cleverly.

7-Eleven

The clerk at the 7-11 was distracted by a long line of customers, so we easily slipped to the back of the store and popped the paper bag full of weed into the microwave.  After a minute my friend pulled the weed out but it was still too damp.  “We’ll have to give it another minute,” said my friend.  But it was still too damp after that.  We repeated the process two more times until it was almost smokable.

“One more minute and that oughta’ do it,” said my friend, with a big smile of eminent success.

Well, that last minute made it smokable all right.  In fact the paper bag burst into flames right inside the microwave.

“Holy shit!”  gasped my friend.

He pulled the flaming bag of weed out of the microwave and whacked the flames out with his hands.  And then he grabbed the smoldering, smoking bag of weed, and we made a mad dash for the front door.  No doubt leaving a trail of pot smoke in our wake.  I’m sure that 7-11 wreaked of pot for the next several hours.

We had moved so fast, I don’t think the clerk even knew what happened until we were out the door and high-tailing it down the street.  But I didn’t go back to that 7-11 for several months afterwards just to be on the safe side.

I swear to God, sometimes my life seems like a very bad Cheech and Chong movie.