The “green apple” drink




Some people, you just wonder: What is WRONG with them??

I drop into this little hole-in-the-wall on Center St. to get a quick bite to eat. “Fry Zucchini” it says on the menu, deep-fried junk food, but at least it has an alleged vegetable in it, 5 bucks out the door.

This high school kid, probably 15 or 16, is ahead of me at the cash register. And he orders some kind of “green apple” drink. Then I order my “fry zucchini.” It comes to 5 dollars and 19 cents. So I give the cash register guy a 10 and 19 cents so I can get a 5 back.

But before we can finish the transaction the kid rushes back up to the register and says, “I got it wrong. I don’t want the green apple drink. I want the strawberry drink.”

“What?” says the cash register guy.

“I don’t want the green apple. I want the strawberry.”

The guy checks behind the counter to talk to the guy making the drink. Comes back shaking his head. “No its too late. He already made the drink.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want the green apple. I want the strawberry.”

“Sorry dude. Too late.”


“I said sorry.”

“I don’t care if you’re sorry. I don’t want the green apple.”

“Well you ordered the green apple. So that’s what you get.”


But the kid keeps whining over and over in this bratty voice. “I don’t want the green apple!! I don’t WANT the green apple!!” (I want to slap the kid in the face)

The cash register guy finally gives me my change, four ones and some change.

“No I’m supposed to get a 5 dollar bill back,” I said. But its impossible to make myself clear because the kid keeps whining in his face about the “green apple” so its impossible for the cash register guy to concentrate. So I just figure fuck it, and go sit at a table to wait for my order. Meanwhile the kid and the cash register guy keep arguing back and forth.

“You ordered green apple you get the green apple,” he said offering him the drink.

“You try and give me that I’ll throw it at you,” says the kid. So now its escalated to the point of possible violence.

The thing that really gets me is the sense of ENTITLEMENT that some people seem to have. I mean HE’S the one who fucked up his order. Or maybe he just changed his mind on a whim. But now they supposedly owe it to him to dump out the drink he ordered, and make him a whole new drink for free. Sure.

I take out my cellphone and try to block out the whole stupid scene. Finally I guess the idiot kid realized it was green apple or nothing. So he takes the drink to a table behind me and sits down with a friend of his, this big kid at least as big as me. So now there are TWO potential assholes to deal with me.

Then he starts pestering me. “Scuse me sir Scuse me sir Scuse me sir. Would you gimme 5 dollar would you gimme 5 dollar would you gimme 5 dollar,” he repeats over and over (I guess he thinks if I give him the 5 dollar he can get what he wants, the strawberry drink, which is ALL that some assholes ever think about, what they WANT.

“NO!” I said firmly. And proceeded to ignore him, and just hoped that he didn’t decide to throw his drink at me.

Finally. My order was ready. And i grabbed it and split. The end.


Further adventures on the public sidewalks of life



One of the many, many things in this life that annoys me. I’ll be walking down the street, and four guys come walking towards me walking side-by-side, taking up the whole sidewalk. And you can tell by their body language that they expect ME to get out of THEIR way. Its like Jerry Kramer and Fuzzy Thurston and the four Green Bay Packers offensive linemen coming at you with their legendary sweep blocking, ready to run you off the road.

Adding insult-to-injury is the underlying pack psychology of “There are four of us and only one of you, so YOU get out of OUR way, boy.”

Generally I’ll just figure, fuck it. And I’ll side-step them. Often walking into the gutter to get around them.

But every now and then I’ll be in a mood like, “Fuck it, now it’s YOUR turn to get out of MY way.” And I won’t cede the right-of-way. I’ll keep walking directly AT them. Like a guided middle.

At the last second the guy will realize: “Holy shit this asshole isn’t getting out of MY way.” And he’ll do a split-second side-step to avoid contact.

But every now and then I’ll blast right into the guy. Barrel into him and knock him out of my way. And since I’m the one who’s ready for the contact, and he’s the one being taken by surprise, I usually get the better end of the collision. Ha ha.

In this life you have to take your kicks where you find them.