You asked for it you got it: Health tips from a degenerate alcoholic homeless guy

There are exceptions to this Do Nothing rule of course. When I got Shingles that fucking virus would have eaten the flesh right off of my face if I hadn’t got the proper medication, and as quickly as possible.


I’ve been feeling a little sick today. I got a bit of a fever, and I feel a little nauseous. I’ve been pushing myself a little too hard lately. And this is my body’s way of saying, “Knock it off, dude.”

You know what they say. “Every man is his own physician.” And of course I have my theories about sickness and health. When I get sick I generally do four things:

1.) I drink a lot of orange juice and water. (I’m a big believer in the healing powers of Vitaman C. And I like to drink a lot of liquids (and almost no food) to flush the bug — whatever it is — out of my system.)

2.) I spend as much time as possible lying in the sun. The sun is Life Itself. And I like to soak up as much of its energy as I can directly into my pores.)

3.) I sleep as much as possible (That way my body can employ most of its energy towards neutralizing the bug).

4.) I almost never go to a doctor or take medications. (I’m a big believer that the body has a built-in mechanism that constantly works towards returning itself to it’s state of equilibrium. For example, when the body is cold, it automatically shivers to generate warmth. And when the body is over-heated it automatically sweats to cool it down. And the problem with a lot of medications is they often attack the symptoms and not the under-lying causes. And the symptoms (like shivering and sweating) are often a way for the body to return to equilibrium).

So in short, the best thing to do is to nothing. Do as much nothing as possible. Most doctors know that. They mostly just give you a placebo or pain-killer and tell you to call back in two weeks after your body has done all the heavy lifting.

Basically I just trust my body’s instinct. My body is usually smarter than my mind. It’s like my body has a mind of its own.

Later in the afternoon I ate three Snickers with Almonds bars in quick succession. That’s another one of my theories. Chocolate is good for you. Take three Snickers bars and call me in the morning.



“Health Tips for Teens” by Dr. H. A. Backwords



I have so many unhealthy habits.

Crappy diet. Massive alcohol and drug consumption. Sleeping outside in the cold and rain as a homeless bum for decades at a stretch. Etc etc.

But I think the one thing that saved me. The one reason I’m still in surprisingly good health at age 61. In spite of my bad habits: I don’t repress my emotions.

If I feel anger I express my anger. If I feel sadness I express my sadness. If I feel fear I express my fear. Etc.

If you block your feelings? Its like emotional constipation. You have to let those feelings flow through your body so you can release them and get them out of your system. Like a good dump. Otherwise they fester inside you like a cancer.

Some people think “emotions” are like this airy ethereal thing. But emotions are also this physical, chemical presence in your body.

When you feel fear, your body surges with adrenalin. When you feel happiness, your body surges with endorphins.

The tricky part is finding ways to express these surges of crazy emotions while doing minimal damage to other people. To be able to express your anger and your rage where youre just blowing off steam and not hurting anybody..



“Health Tips for Teens” by Dr. Ace M. Backwords, MD


Dentist istock

I was just reading this article that said: “One in three Americans haven’t been to a dentist in a year.”  Which reminded me, I once went 35 years without seeing a dentist.  1975 to 2010.  And yet, at age 57, my teeth are still in pretty good shape.  Aside from two of my back teeth that I lost amidst a crystal meth tooth-grinding binge (they don’t call it “meth mouth” for nothing).  But those back teeth aren’t all that essential, so who cares.  This life makes no sense.   Some times you can break all the rules, defy all the conventional wisdom, and get away with.  And then other times, ONE slip up and you’re fucked.

Statistically, I probably should have been dead 10 years ago considering all the demographics I’ve been in.  Drugs, alcohol, smoking, homeless.  I’m living on borrowed time.  I figure one morning I’ll wake up and all my organs will just spontaneously explode at once.

But you never know.  There’s often no rhyme or reason to this stuff.  Does God just have a weird sense of humor? Or is life basically just absurd?  For example, there’s the guy who founded the Power Bar health food supplement.  A Berkeley guy and a physical fitness freak.  Dies of a heart attack while jogging at age 51 . . .   Meanwhile, Charles Bukowski spends a lifetime pounding rot-gut and getting into barroom brawls and lives to 76.  Go figger.  The gods are crazy.

I have a theory that some of those physical fitness freaks bully their bodies too much.  Like a wife that’s always nagging at their husband.  They pester their bodies with harsh discipline to the point where their bodies get sick of it and collapse. I’m not advocating compulsive hedonism, either.  Which is just the other dangerous extreme.  but you got to learn to befriend your body.  It’s your constant companion after all.  Ease it into a bubble-bath or something like that every now and then.

I swear, I have theories on just about every thing.