(Originally published February 1, 2005)
A couple of years ago I wrote a column where I referred in passing to “Johnny Carson’s ex-wives.” The other day, in the wake of the interest in Carson’s recent death, I got 200 hits on that site in one day from people doing Google Word searches on that phrase. It made me realize that even a backwater blog site has the potential to reach millions of people overnight if you just hit the right button.
So, in that regard, I’ve decided to load this column with phrases that might rope in the rubes. For instance, what do you think about that MICHAEL JACKSON MOLESTATION TRIAL? Isn’t it amazing how so many people are wasting their time reading about trivial stuff like that when there’s more important things to be concerned about, like the ROBERT BLAKE MURDER TRIAL or the PHIL SPECTOR MURDER TRIAL. Even more ridiculous, I’ve heard the WHACKO JACKO FIASCO being heralded as THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY. Which is kind of lame, considering we’re only 4 years into the NEW MILLENNIUM. Of course none of this compares with the great O.J. SIMPSON MURDER TRIAL. After he won the first trial and then lost the second, I heard Simpson vigorously maintaining: “I am absolutely, totally 50% not guilty!”
I heard that these CELEBRITY MURDER TRIALS are getting such fabulous ratings, that PARIS HILTON has already sold the VIDEO rights to her next killing-spree.
Speaking of which, I read somewhere — probably on a hare-brained blog site like this, or some other reliable source — that 50% of the people that use the internet use it to check out WEIRD PORNO SITES. I was shocked to find out how many sites there were about BESTIALITY, and TEENAGE GIRLS HAVING SEX WITH OLDER MEN, and RAPE FANTASIES, and S&M. Shocking, I tell you. All these years, I thought I was the only pervert out there. But it’s sad to hear that all the PORNOGRAPHY ON THE WEB has driven a veritable institution such as PENTHOUSE magazine to the brink of bankruptcy. Porn mags just can’t compete with the great new cyber-smut. And AL GOLDSTEIN, the publisher of SCREW, has ended up homeless and living in the back of a car. How the mighty have fallen. It’s just weird how quickly everything is changing these days. Call me a purist, but for my money, it doesn’t seem like real SMUT if you can’t get ink smudges on your grubby little fingers.
What else. Well, how about those idiots who maintain that GEORGE BUSH STOLE THE ELECTION. Ridiculous. It’s an affront to our entire political system which is based on buying elections.
And how ’bout this: THE BEATLES SUCK. There, that should rope in all the NUTTER BEATLES FANS, like Charles Manson and the guy who’s convinced that STEPHEN KING, RONALD REAGAN, and RICHARD NIXON conspired to ASSASSINATE JOHN LENNON. What a nut. Everybody knows Nixon had nothing to do with it.
And speaking of the KENNEDY ASSASSINATION, let me state the obvious. The mob did it. Okay? Now shut up. SAM GIANCANNA and the CHICAGO boys snuffed the BOOTLEGGER’S SON out like a bug, okay? The only ones who haven’t figured that out yet are lame-brains like OLIVER STONE (though I did like PLATOON, but what happened to Stone’s brain after that? Is he smoking too much marijuana or something?)
And let me add: MICHAEL SAVAGE SUCKS. GEORGE BUSH SUCKS. MICHAEL MOORE SUCKS. RUSH LIMBAUGH SUCKS. AL FRANKEN IS A BIG FAT BUCK-TOOTHED LITTLE DWEEB. REPUBLICANS SUCK. DEMOCRATS SUCK. THE LEFT SUCKS. THE RIGHTWING NUTS SUCK. AND ALL THE ASSHOLES IN THE MIDDLE PROBABLY SUCK, TOO. I SUCK, TOO, BUT LETS NOT GET PERSONAL HERE, YOU ASSHOLE.
And did you know that there are still people trolling the web looking for something new to read about such a thread-worn subject as the BEAT GENERATION and JACK KEROUAC, ALLEN GINSBERG, and WILLIAM BURROUGHS? I’m sorry to say I have nothing new to add to the subject, and I’m deeply sorry for wasting your time.
And now, for the benefit of all you ACID CASUALTIES out there in webland: TIMOTHY LEARY and HUNTER S THOMPSON and KEN KESEY are LSD-GOBBLING FREAKS. And once and for all: YOKO ONO DID NOT BREAK UP THE BEATLES. Ringo did.
And since I’m a narcissistic bastard who does a Google word search on myself at least twice a day to keep up on what everybody is saying about me behind my back, let me mention that ACE BACKWORDS is an UNDERGROUND CARTOONIST who recently published a book about his HOMELESS EXPERIENCES IN BERKELEY, SAN FRANCISCO, and HUMBOLDT COUNTY, and the book is called SURVIVING ON THE STREETS and you can order a copy from Amazon.com and it’s the least you can do, considering you’re getting to read this fabulous blog site for free, you cheap bastard.
Well, I guess that’s all. I just want to add that I think the internet is a wonderful thing. It’s like scrawling graffiti in the endless bathrooms of cyberspace. I love the democratic nature of the medium, it’s like ANYBODY can now run their own little TV stations care of the web. Even a quasi-homeless bum like myself who doesn’t even own a computer can set up his own website, and even though my site is probably one of the worst and most amateuristic sites on the web, that still counts for something, because anybody can be in the middle, but it takes true grit to be the worst or the best. Truly, in this great new world of the internet, anybody can potentially reach millions of people with the click of their fingers. Anybody can be famous. Though, as one wag put it: Andy Warhol got it backwards. In the future everyone will get 15 minutes of privacy.