1.) Gain 20 pounds 2.) Smite my enemies 3.) Stop eating fruits and vegetables 4.) No more crack cocaine — nothing but crystal meth in 2019!! 5.) Buy some new underwear 6.) Stop posting lists that don’t make a lick of sense except when I’m drunk
Thinking about the year that was, 2014. I rate all my years. On a scale of 1-to-10 I give 2014 a 3-and-a-half. Nothing really bad happened. Nothing really good happened. Just kind of a treading-water year for me.
And kind of a schitzo year. I spent the first 6 months living by myself in a big, 3-bedroom suburban-style house in relative comfort. And the second 6 months homeless, sleeping in the Berkeley hill with my feral cats. Neither situation had much of an effect on my happiness or unhappiness one way or the other.
I felt a chronic emptiness and melancholy for much of the year. And these weird, psychologically-heavy recurring nightmares. Which is why I down-graded the year. I demand at least 47% more happiness in 2015.
Creatively, I wrote a bunch of great blogs in 2014. And some time next month I should get my 100,000th page-view on my website. Which is sort of a milestone, I guess. But I thought at this point of my artistic career (so-called) I’d be getting a series of immortal books published. What happened to all my publishers? Fuck.
I made 4 New Resolutions last year. Only one of which I kept. I did manage to quit smoking for an entire years. And, according to my calculations, I saved my self $2,555. Give or take a few bucks. My second resolution was to lose 30 pounds (only lost 20). My third resolution was to get a grip on my drinking (next question). My fourth resolution was to get back to daily yoga meditation. Which I utterly failed at.
And if my life wasn’t crappy enough, the state of America just seems like a nightmare these days. Every day the headlines in the news seems like some perverse competiton: TOP THIS HORRIFIC STORY. It’s shocking to me how far this country has fallen in just 40 years.
So yeah. I give 2014 a 3-and-a-half. Luck to all for a bitchin’ 2015.
My little sister gave me some good advice. She wisely suggested I didn’t try to do all my New Years resolutions at once. Just do them one at a time. So I decided to quit smoking. And I’ve now gone an entire day without a cigarette. I’m so proud of myself. And I haven’t killed anybody yet. ….I said YET!!!!!!!! . . . . I could really go for a cigarette right about now. . . . What exactly is it about taking a weed and igniting it into smoke and inhaling it into my lungs that seems so compelling and alluring at this exact moment? … . . . . . I’ve gone several more minutes without a cigarette. . . . . Now that I think of it, its only a 30 minute walk to the nearest liquor store where I could buy many packs of my favorite brand of cigarettes. . . . Its a ridiculous bad habit. Smoking. And theres no logical reason why I REALLY WANT A FUCKING GODDAMN CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW!!! . . . .Smoking is a destructive habit. And there’s no logical reason why I feel compelled to ROOT AROUND IN MY GARBAGE CAN TO SEE IF THERE’S A LEFTOVER BUTT IN THERE SOMEWHERE GODDAMIT!!!
DAY TWO: January 2, 2014:
That reminds me. I’ve gone two whole days without a cigarette. ….. Today I was at the local dollar store where I usually buy my pack of smokes. The clerk, who I barely know, rang up my groceries and then asked me if I wanted cigarettes, too, like usual (they keep em locked behind a glass case). I told her: “No, I quit smoking. New Years resolution.” “All RIGHT!!” she shouted with a big smile. “HIGH FIVE!!” She raised both of her arms high over her head and we slapped hands. (It sure is different living in a little town as opposed to the big city.)
DAY THREE: January 3, 2014:
Three days without a cigarette. I feel like crap. . . . I’m reminded of that Mark Twain quote: “Its easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it dozens of times.” . . . . I’m starting to think that Mark Twain was a bit of an asshole. . . .
DAVE FOUR: January 4, 2014:
Was just looking at this beautiful photo of an Arizona sunset. Reminds me that I really wish I had a cigarette. . . .
DAY FIVE: January 5, 2014:
Managed to go several minutes without thinking of cigarettes. I think I’m getting “over the hump” . . .
DAY SIX: January 6, 2014:
I’ve been giving this whole Smoking Tobacco thing a lot of thought lately. You can imagine. And I’ve concluded that the underlying neurosis is this COMPULSION to fill my life with SOMETHING. At every given moment. Whether it’s a cigarette or an interesting comment from one of my Facebook friends or a cool song on the radio or a nice hit from my glass of beer or perhaps a jelly donut which would hit the spot at this moment. Like an endless succession of cravings for SOMETHING. To fill the space….. . . . The thing I find weird is: Everybody knows it’s tough to quit smoking cigarettes. And yet I have a lot of friends who are heavy smokers who regularly got locked up in jail (what can I say I hang with a classy crowd). So I’d ask them how they handled not being able to smoke in jail. They all said it was no big deal. They quickly realized there was no way to get smokes and just forgot all about it. . . . Though I should add, almost every one of them, the first thing they did when they got out of jail was light up a smoke. But whats interesting to me — considering how physically addictive nicotine supposedly is — none of them complained about any heavy withdrawal symptoms while they were in jail. I guess its mostly psychological.
DAY SEVEN: January 7, 2014:
I just want to remind myself what a STUPID habit it is. I mean, taking a dirty weed and igniting it with flame and inhaling toxic smoke into my lungs…. Its pretty stupid and irrational when I think of it. When you really think about it, it makes no sense that I REALLY WISH I HAD ONE OF THOSE GODDAM SMOKES RIGHT NOW!!! … . . . It occurs to me how much money I’ve wasted on cigarettes over the years. I figure if I’m smoking a pack a day, at a minimum of $6 a pack, that’s about $200 a month. That comes out to about $2,500 a year. A whopping $25,000 over the last 10 years. $250,000 over a hundred years.. . . Money that I could have used to buy much better drugs. . . .
DAY EIGHT: January 8, 2014:
I’ve gone 8 days without smoking cigarettes. You know why? Because I have will power! I have moral character! I have resolve! I have true grit…….I have a strong and compelling NEED TO GET ONE OF THOSE GODDAM CIGARETTES AT THIS EXACT MOMENT AND SMOKE IT UP!!!!! ahhh darn it all. . . . . One of the unexpected side-effects of quitting smoking is that the beer now tastes like crap. I can’t even drink it. I guess because for 30 years the beer always went with the cigarettes. And now it tastes different without the cigarettes. It was like alternating between hot and cold sensations (the perfect balance). I’d have a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I’d go back and forth. Take a big hit off my beer. Then a drag off my cigarette. Sit there watching the smoke curl into space and ruminating on the strange gears spinning around in my head. Now, with only beer and no cigarettes its like being in a rowboat with only one oar. You just row around in circles instead of plunging forward. . . . I’ve managed to solve this problem by switching from beer to bourbon whiskey. If only all of life’s problems were so easy to solve. Plus, it segues naturally into my second New Years resolution: “Quit drinking beer.” This might seem stupid, to quit beer and go to whiskey. But it reminds me of that ancient Hindu adage: “Use a thorn to take the thorn out of your foot.” In other words, you use one vice to help you get rid of another vice. And, after a couple of big pulls on the whiskey, the whole concept starts to make perfect sense. . .
DAY NINE: January 9, 2014:
I think I’m finally getting over the oral craving for cigarettes. But I might be starting to over-compensate. . .
3. Completely eliminate broccoli from my daily diet.
4. Try to be kinder to all the scumbags who keep fucking with me.
5. Spread waves of joy everywhere I go (cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song).
6. Stop weeping in public (set aside a private time for sobbing and moaning in pain).
7. Spend more time with my dysfunctional family.
8. Start buying Olde English malt liquor wholesale instead of retail (a savings of 45 cents per 40)
9. Throw my weight behind the campaign to get Christ out of Christmas (wish one and all a “very merry Mas”)
10. Spend more time researching the details of Kloe and Lamar’s divorce
11. Try to make peace with Yoko Ono
12. Learn to play at least one Led Zeppelin song from start to finish to impress chicks at parties.
13. Learn to love again. Or at least how to have sex again.
14. Practice twerking in private before attempting in public
15. For God’s sake try to come up with an opinion about Obamacare one way or the other
16. More alcohol. Less gluten
17. Find appropriate forums for expressing vile, repulsive personal opinions on world affairs
18. Keep my goddam mouth shut for once!!!
19. Find a publisher for my manuscript “How to Make Friends and Influence People With A Gluten-Free Diet”
20. More naps!!
21. Remember: “They deserved killing, your Honor” is not a defense that generally holds up in court
22. Stop cursing the gods
23. Strive to do more of the same old shit in 2014 that I did in 2013
24. Try to develop a more positive attitude about life (yeah, right)
25. Forgive yourself. Blame everybody else.
26. Death before dishonor?? Think concept all the way through before committing one way or the other
27. Remember that the more you give the less you have for yourself
28. Accept the fact that God made you exactly as you are. But that God also made plastic surgery, hair weaves and liposuction surgery.
29. Stop doing all that stupid stuff I did last year and just do smart stuff this year
30. Resolve all those neurotic and/or psychotic behavior patterns: Peace of mind and happiness 365 days straight!!
31. Stop screaming in impotent rage every time I read the front page of a newspaper
32. Become a completely different person
33. Put on a clean shirt at least every other week
34. Learn to love and accept your compulsion towards drunken binges
35. No more crack cocaine before 5 in the evening.
36. Try to get in touch with your masculine side
37. See a doctor and dentist, if only for weird kicks