MY FAVORITE HOLIDAYS FROM BEST TO WORST

Scary!

1.) Halloween (one of the rare holidays with a much-needed touch of evil)
2.) Fourth of July (you get to blow up stuff and shit)
3.) New Years Eve (a grand celebration of alcoholism)
4.) Thanksgiving (I’m always down for stuffing my guts with meat and gravy and pumpkin pie)
5.) Ace Backwords Appreciation Day (not nearly celebrated enough as it should be)
6.) April Fool’s Day (everybody plays the fool, no exception to the rule)
7.) Easter (you get to hunt for eggs and candy, which off-sets the depressing religious aspect of Jesus being crucified for our sins and all that)
8.) Valentine’s Day (I’m a loser)
9.) Mother’s Day (I got issues)
10.) Christmas (you get presents and there’s jolly old Santa Claus, but it’s so over-blown for an entire month that when Christmas finally comes around it’s invariably a let-down)

Have a very hateful Thanksgiving

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“IN-COMING!!”

One thing I remember about last Thanksgiving 2016. It was the beginning of the rainy season. And we had already gotten 5 inches of rain (we would go on to get 37 inches). Hate Man had recently turned 80. But he still seemed strong and vigorous. And we all just assumed he would live forever, and the pushing and slapping and making demands would never end. Of course it turned out to be his last Thanksgiving. And it turned out to be a brutal winter. Hate made it all the way through the rainy season. But by the time April 1rst finally rolled by he was pretty much shot. And he died the next day.

The thing I remember about last Thanksgiving was hanging out at Hate Camp all afternoon. And group after group kept converging on People’s Park offering free turkey dinners. There must have been at least 10 different groups bringing complete Thanksgiving dinners for the homeless. And they kept coming at us from every direction. And each time Hate would shout out “IN-COMING!” as we were bombarded with more food. Ha ha.

And then, late in the afternoon, this guy pulls up to People’s Park in his van and announces: “I HAVE FREE TURKEY DINNERS FOR ANYBODY WHO WANTS ONE!!” He has big trays full of turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pies and etc. The works. But all the street people are laying on their sides in the grass groaning. I mean, at this point we can’t even LOOK at any more turkey. But the poor guy is going up to person after person announcing “HEY I GOT FREE FOOD IN MY VAN IF YOU’RE HUNGRY!” But we’re all like. “Yeah yeah. Great. You got any Alka-Seltzer.”

I finally felt a little sorry for the guy. Standing there all alone by his van with all that food and nobody to eat it. “All revved up and nowhere to go.” So I went over and got a plate. Thanked him profusely. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Things I’m thankful for on Thanksgiving

 

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1.) That I’ve always been in much better health than I have a right to be considering my, um, lifestyle.

2.) That I still have all my teeth except for two in the back that I lost during a meth binge but I don’t really miss them except for when I’m chewing apples.

3.) That I’ve known a lot of really good people over the years.

4.) Those darn feral cats.

5.) Olde English 800.

6.) That I’m on first-name basis with very few of the Berkeley cops.

7.) That even though a lot of my life has been unpleasant, most of it has been extremely interesting.

8.) That the outlet of my art and writing has always been there for me, and it’s helped to keep me sane, or at least helped to keep me from going completely insane.

9.) No more Clintons or Bushes!!!!

10.) Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors.

11.) The mandolin solo at the end of Maggie May.

12.) That they rarely play the Bob Dylan Christmas Album on the radio.

13.) Im 60 years old and I’ve never once had to hire a goddamn lawyer.

14.) That in spite of it all, I’m still not dead.

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Things I’m thankful: A Thanksgiving message from ole Ace Backwords

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While the Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck character went on to become hugely popular, the Tommy Turkey character never really caught on with the public, and was subsequently retired by Disney.

 1.)  Facebook (I enjoy having an outlet to gas off)

2.)  40s of Olde English malt liquor (it calms down the swirling in my brain, or at least it makes me not give a shit one way of the other)

3.)  My feral cats (the li’l rug-rats are adorable, would you like to see about a couple thousand fascinating photos of them?)

4.)  The Golden State Warriors basketball team (at least 20 times a game I exclaim “DAMN!!” at their incredible play)

5.)   . . . uh . . . hmm. . . I guess that’s it. I ran out of things I’m thankful for (but at least I came up with four, so I’m thankful for that).

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